World’s Greatest Employee

I came across this list of “essential duties” in a job posting; I wonder if they ever found this person:

QUALIFICATIONS AND COMPETENCIES: To perform this job successfully, an individual must be able to perform each essential duty satisfactorily. The requirements listed below are representative of knowledge, skill, and/or ability required. Reasonable accommodations may be made to enable individuals with disabilities to perform the essential functions.

1. Synthesizes complex or diverse information; collects and researches data; uses intuition and experience to complement data; designs work flows and procedures.

2. Generates creative solutions; translates concepts and information into images; uses feedback to modify designs; applies design principles; demonstrates attention to detail.

3. Identifies and resolves problems in a timely manner; gathers and analyzes information skillfully; develops alternative solutions; works well in group problem solving situations; uses reason even when dealing with emotional topics.

4. Manages difficult or emotional customer situations; responds promptly to customer needs; solicits customer feedback to improve service; responds to requests for service and assistance; meets commitments.

5. Focuses on solving conflict, not blaming; maintains confidentiality; listens to others without interrupting; keeps emotions under control; remains open to others’ ideas and tries new things.

6. Speaks clearly and persuasively in positive or negative situations; listens and gets clarification; responds well to questions; demonstrates group presentation skills; participates in meetings.

7. Writes clearly and informatively; edits work for spelling and grammar; varies writing style to meet needs; presents numerical data effectively; able to read and interpret written information.

8. Balances team and individual responsibilities; exhibits objectivity and openness to others’ views; gives and welcomes feedback; contributes to building a positive team spirit; puts success of team above own interests; able to build morale and group commitments to goals and objectives; supports everyone’s efforts to succeed.

9. Looks for ways to improve and promote quality; demonstrates accuracy and thoroughness.

10. Demonstrates knowledge of Equal Employment Opportunity policy; shows respect and sensitivity for cultural differences; educates others on the value of diversity; promotes a harassment-free environment; builds a diverse workforce.

11. Treats people with respect; keeps commitments; inspires the trust of others; works ethically and with integrity; upholds organizational values.

12. Follows policies and procedures; completes administrative tasks correctly and on time; supports organization’s goals and values; benefits organization through outside activities; supports affirmative action and respects diversity.

13. Displays willingness to make decisions; exhibits sound and accurate judgment; supports and explains reasoning for decisions; includes appropriate people in decision-making process; makes timely decisions.

14. Sets and achieves challenging goals; demonstrates persistence and overcomes obstacles; measures self against standard of excellence; takes calculated risks to accomplish goals.

15. Prioritizes and plans work activities; uses time efficiently; plans for additional resources; sets goals and objectives; organizes or schedules other people and their tasks; develops realistic action plans.

16. Approaches others in a tactful manner; reacts well under pressure; treats others with respect and consideration regardless of their status or position; accepts responsibility for own actions; follows through on commitments.

17. Demonstrates accuracy and thoroughness; looks for ways to improve and promote quality; applies feedback to improve performance; monitors own work to ensure quality.

18. Meets productivity standards; completes work in timely manner; strives to increase productivity; works quickly.

19. Observes safety and security procedures; determines appropriate action beyond guidelines; reports potentially unsafe conditions; uses equipment and materials properly.

20. Adapts to changes in the work environment; manages competing demands; changes approach or method to best fit the situation; able to deal with frequent change, delays, or unexpected events.

21. Is consistently at work and on time; ensures work responsibilities are covered when absent; arrives at meetings and appointments on time.

22. Follows instructions, responds to management direction; takes responsibility for own actions; keeps commitments; commits to long hours of work when necessary to reach goals; completes tasks on time or notifies appropriate person with an alternate plan.

23. Volunteers readily; undertakes self-development activities; seeks increased responsibilities; takes independent actions and calculated risks; looks for and takes advantage of opportunities; asks for and offers help when needed.

24. Displays original thinking and creativity; meets challenges with resourcefulness; generates suggestions for improving work; develops innovative approaches and ideas; presents ideas and information in a manner that gets others’ attention.

25. Able to read, analyze and interpret general business periodicals, professional journals, technical procedures, or governmental regulations. Able to write reports, business correspondence, and procedure manuals. Able to effectively present information and respond to questions from groups of managers, clients, customers, and the general public.

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